On Living and Dying: Open Letter to a Fearful Friend

Dear friend:

I know this discussion has been hard on you, that you have your views and your reasons for them. I wanted you to know that, while I respect that, I still would like to ask you to entertain the idea of greater possibilities. I've lost many friends to death, under many different types of conditions.

My daughter died with leukemia, at 18 years of age. She chose her treatment, which was highly toxic and highly questionable. She wasn't a drug addict, alcoholic or abuser. She quit smoking when she realized that she didn't need to kill herself, that she would die one day, just like everybody else. She just didn't know it would be two years later.

As her mother, I had to let her make her own choices (as she was 18, I didn't have any say, according to the "authorities"). This is, quite possibly, why she chose me to be her mother, if we are to believe what the Buddhists tell us about choosing our parents.

In my heart and in my views, I wanted her to stay far away from the poisons of chemotherapy and radiation therapy which were required in order for her to have the stem cell transplant that ended up not working for her at all. The naturopath I took her to see (she went with me so as to "humor" me) told her that she was in great shape for someone who was so sick, and that he saw her recovery within six months, whereas he usually saw other patients with similar conditions for a year or more. She wasn't interested; she wanted the allopathic physicians to heal her. They couldn't, of course. We can only heal ourselves.

In order to have a stem cell transplant, the recipient's own immune system must be destroyed to enable the body to accept (or, at least not actively reject) the donor's stem cells - that ought to be a big clue right there. What that means is sterility (she really, really wanted to have kids of her own), and a host of other possible health conditions. The procedure also meant she would probably develop cancer at a later date. My friend, who survived one, said it means that you can only ever think about your state of "health," each and every day, from the hair on your head to the nails on your toes. Your life is consumed - you cannot do anything else but attend to that body until you finally die. (I think about what another friend once said concerning drug addiction being the addict's search for union with God. The stem cell transplant trip can't even begin to approach that idea!)

My daughter had a second stem cell transplant - she had a thirty per cent chance - but developed a fungal infection (Aspergillus) in her lungs before we knew if it would have worked. Combined with kidney failure and dropping blood pressure, plus the shutting down of her digestive system and complications with her spleen and liver, it seemed pretty certain her body wouldn't be able to come back up out of its nosedive into death.

If there is one thing that I know, and knew even then, as I watched my beautiful, dearly-beloved, talented, visionary daughter pass away - this existence is a one-way trip. We are all going to die, each and every one of us, no matter whether it is in old age, sitting reading a recipe book while lunch is cooking on the stove (like beloved James Barber) or ingesting the wrong plant (like the wonderful and talented Colin Murray, co-author of "The Celtic Tree Oracle." whose research inspired us to create "The Witch's Book of Days"), or being expelled by our mother's body at six weeks of gestational age, (like my last child). Death is the only thing we can truly count on.

I miss my daughter every day - she has been gone nine years as of April 16. Considering that I believed that I would die at the age of 18 myself, and am still here at 59 (in a couple of weeks), I can only marvel at this remarkable transit through the three-dimensional world. I have truly walked and talked with angels, and I don't mean the "nice people" variety. I do mean "celestial messengers." I have stood at the crossroads of my own personal death on three separate occasions, due to illness, and am still here. That is such a mystery to me! But, why shouldn't we dive into that Mystery with gusto? It isn't a permanent condition...

We will all die eventually, sweet one, even you, no matter how we live here, how careful we are what we put in our bodies, how "pure" and one-dimensional our thoughts. Yet, in truth, we actually do live forever. It is the body that returns to the earth after a time, truly "dust to dust" (or stardust, if you're lucky enough to have your ashes strewn into space). Being in a body allows us to explore the dense and heavy realms, including the Dark, the Shadow, and Fear. It is in the Depth Realm of Hades that hidden treasure is found, if we are bold enough to pursue it, though I know we are not all the same type of adventurers.

One of the things that the celestial messengers told me when I was fourteen, while we were hanging out in the astral plane around beautiful Saturn, (before I even knew anything about psychoactive plants, drugs or what have you!) is that the essence that animates the body returns to this plane in a new body, but only by agreement. There is no "hell," but this place is what we make of it, and if we find it necessary to make "hell," then we will have it. Another thing they pointed out is that time, as we know it, is a construct, which means it isn't linear, it isn't even "real," in the true sense of the word. We move backward, forward, sideways, and we can inhabit other planes and planets in the interim, even simultaneously. Not every being here is an expression of consciousness that "originated" on this planet, but we can "school" on different planets and learn about that planet's consciousness, effectively taking on the role of an expression of that planet's consciousness. ( I won't even get into the trans-dimensional stuff!)

I gather from what you've said over the years, that your schooling has been rough. Mine has been also, but some of us choose the tough courses because we truly believe we can handle them and possibly even make a difference, perhaps just by inspiring others. (I joke with friends about being so fiery and impulsive, that I forgot to read the fine print before signing on: "Can I take another look at that contract, please?")

One thing that the celestial messengers don't possess is the depth of emotion of which humans are capable; it's not that they are without feelings, they're just "different." So we're kind of on our own with that particular evolution, but we took on the job to evolve the emotional body, so here we are, and we are all doing that in our own ways. I've learned a lot, exploring Fear, but one thing I know is that there are many other ways of experiencing this evolution that are much more creative, expansive and, well, evolutionary... One thing I've learned is that we will always bring that which we Fear to us because we need to know it is not what we think it is.

The messengers just wanted me to remind you not to get stuck. I'm assuming you will understand what that means. They also wanted me to let you know that "Raphy's (Archangel Raphael's) really good at healing!"

In lak'ech,
Jessica